Related posts: A husband’s discovery, Searching for ways to be a better husband

What’s the secret to marital happiness? Is my wife’s happiness only achieved at the expense of my own? Is the secret in flexing our muscles in the spiritual domain and asserting our authority as leaders of our families? Michael Spencer has some down-to-earth thoughts on masculine spirituality in his post, Repenting of The Wrong Kind of “Male Leadership.” For Eric Jones at Transformed Daily!, fixing his marriage was a matter of fixing his own anemic relationship with God on one hand, and on the other hand stepping into the role of “Spiritual Leader” of his family. You can read Eric’s testimony in the provocatively titled, Becoming the Spiritual leader of your family in two months.

Any time someone talks about making a quick fix you are justified in being suspicious. But I’m sincerely happy for Eric and his wife taking this step in the right direction. However, a two-months resolve has to undo the effects of an ingrained lifestyle spanning more than a decade.  That’s where the hard work comes in. Eric is talking about a process that began more than two years ago so obviously this is no “New Year’s Resolution.” He credits God with a spiritual transformation that has allowed him to fruitfully engage in Scripture reading and prayer and share insights with his wife.

This testimony made me think about an error that we as men can fall into with regard to “Spiritual Leadership.” We can be guilty of trying to “beat our wives” at the spiritual game as if our spirituality is some kind of contest in which we try to surpass one another in different spiritual disciplines.  Face it, men. Women are better at being “spiritual” than we are. Speaking in terms of “complimentary” giftings, women are by nature more emotional, more intuitive, more expressive, more all those things that make them look really spiritual. We on the other hand have more difficulty expressing our emotions, praying in a sincere way, and even submitting ourselves to Christ’s lordship in our lives.  Becoming the spiritual leader in your family does not require you to beat your wife at all the spiritual things that she’s doing now. It does require taking an appropriate role in your family’s spiritual life. Whether that means taking the initiative in church attendance, or something as simple as saying grace before meals. 

Let me give you a concrete example.  My wife interacts with the kids continually through the day and plays a very active role in discipling them. Because of my work commitments I have much less opportunity to disciple them. But when I can, I try to input spiritual values into their lives. For me an important time of the day is our family devotion after breakfast. I do the Bible reading.  I ask the questions and lead the conversation.  And at the end I lead the family in prayer. It’s really not very much in comparison to my wife’s all-day every-day input in their lives but it is an area where I “take the lead.”

Another example is recently I was impressed with the Thirty Wise Sayings in Proverbs 22:22-24:22. I offered my kids a cash reward if they could memorize all thirty sayings and recite them to me.  A month ago, the three eldest children recited the Thirty Wise Sayings word-perfect.  Then last weekend they did it again! Benjamin, our youngest, didn’t quite succeed in getting it perfect but he’s still practicing and will soon achieve the goal.  As amazing as this result is to me it didn’t happen because I simply flashed some cash. Hilary worked with the kids a little bit each day on this goal until they could do it.

All this to say that a man taking the lead in his family doesn’t mean replacing his wife in every area of influence.  Instead, we work together as a team in complimentary ways that help strengthen our family and each other and bring glory to God.

Here’s one of the Thirty Wise Sayings:

-16-
22 Pay attention to your father,
and don’t neglect your mother
when she grows old.
23 Invest in truth and wisdom,
discipline and good sense,
and don’t part with them.
24 Make your father truly happy
by living right
and showing
sound judgment.
25 Make your parents proud,
especially your mother. (CEV)

The father and mother both have an important role to play in imparting wisdom to their children.  As men, we need to beware of opting out of the game just because we can’t beat our wife.  Our expressions of spirituality are necessarily different because we are different.  As much as I can, and in an appropriate way for me, I’m going to take the initiative in leading my family to follow God.

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