If you listen to Suzanne, and Iyov and John, you might think studying Greek and Hebrew is an experience in mystic Bible bliss. It’s not. Take it from me. Greek sucks. Hebrew hurts. One semester of Bible Greek is enough to turn any normal human being off “the original” for a lifetime. Didactic methods in our Bible schools and seminaries are bad. So painful. So achingly boring that if you think studying Greek is fun you have to either be steeped in self-deception or a masochistic moron. OK, sorry that was a bit strong. But it sounds so nice… “masochistic morons mumbling masoretic mantras, mmmmmmm.”
Case in point. I never darkened the door of a seminary until constant cajoling from one of the veterans of the Bible translation battle shamed me into enlisting myself in a 1st-year course in Bible Greek at a certain seminary. At that point I had been reading Greek for more than a decade. Not well. But I could scan a text, focus in on the bothersome stuff and generally fake it. OK, I thought. I’ll suffer through a semester and memorize all those declensions, etc. that Greeksters delight in spouting.
Welcome to γέεννα
In a scene reminiscent of the movie Brazil I found myself sitting in an undersized desk with, I kid you not, a little desktop that swung on a hinge. Right-handed, of course, which made it a bit of a carpal killer for note-taking lefties like myself. The professor’s tie was wide and striped. This all really happened. I don’t need hyperbole. Because he loved the textbook so much, the original publisher allowed him to reprint it at will. Which was a good thing because no one had requested a copy of this particular text since the 1960s. Our first week was spent mastering a fool-proof system of little index cards with declensions, etc. on them. After that class time was divided between us being quizzed on things like the future imperative participle second person plural and little pep talks by the professor on “What a logical language Koine Greek is. It’s beautiful isn’t it?!?” Answer: No, it’s not. It’s messy and weird like all the 6,912 current living languages and on top of that it’s dead and has been for 2,000 years. Not beautiful, sorry. Not even kinda cute.
So, wait a minute here. You want me to regurgitate on demand things like “the future imperative participle second person plural?” I was studying GGBB on the sly because despite not having any pretty pictures or a cool CD-ROM like BBG it was People Magazine material compared to the photostat our teacher was drooling over. In GGBB (If you don’t know, you are truly a lost soul) there was a footnote saying, “There also is a participle which is built on the future tense stem, but it occurs only twelve times in the New Testament.” Despite the strange position of also and only in that sentence I understood the author to be saying, “Don’t bother to learn all the paradigms for first-person, second-person, etc. for the future participle because that would be stupid.” When I questioned the professor on memorizing forms that never occur in the New Testament he looked at me sideways and I could see him mentally putting me down in his little book as problem student. Why did you climb the mountain? Because it’s not there.
What, you might be asking about now, does this have to do with s-x? You can read about all the details of sexual reproduction in a textbook of biology and physiology and it will never stimulate the least interest in personally experiencing the process. Greek grammar books are like that. I know the joys of Greek. Just yesterday I was getting really excited about the word κατά. But a Greek grammar is the linguistic equivalent of a cold shower. Here’s a sample:
“No case ending is used, the tau drops off because it cannot stand at the end of a word (rule 8), and the omicron lengthens to compensate for the loss.” (Reference not cited out of respect for the author)
OT scholars may be cooler than NT scholars but I can guarantee that their grammar books are just as dull. So keep on reading all the scribes and Pharisees who want you to believe that mastering the languages of Moses and Paul is the prerequisite to getting deep insights into the Book of books. But don’t believe them. Instead, in due course, Grasshopper, I will reveal to you all the secret tricks you need to study the Bible like the big boys (and girl). Without the flash cards. Or the little desks with hinges.
Editor’s note: The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily represent doctrines and practices approved by the denomination with which David holds ministerial credentials or the mission that sent him to the depths of Africa on a shoestring budget (No hard feelings…) Also, David wishes to apologize for saying “Greek sucks.” Neither his mother nor his wife approve of such language.
P.S. I changed the spelling of the S-word to try to fool weirdos out there who are looking for something they ain’t gonna find here.
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Wow, I’m either a masochistic mororn or steeped in self deception AND I’m a lost soul (I googled GGBM and came up with Guerilla Girls Broadband and Groupe Gauthier Biancamano Bolduc. I’m scared to google BBG now.)
)
Anyway, I don’t really USE Greek all that much. But, I’m glad I studied it (for a variety of reasons, which I’ll save for my own blog–I’m learning
In any case, one advantage is being able to figure out the Greek words (like “gehenna” above) casually thrown around by really scholarly people like Lingamish.
I am trying to decide whether Lingamish is a heretic, a genius, or both…
Call me a heretic, please!
[...] The H Word ” …Lingamish is a heretic, a genius, or both.” [...]
[...] Lingamish, in his usual hyperbolic style, goes further. He writes: Greek sucks. Hebrew hurts. [...]
[...] Lingamish offers some alternative opinions on the joys of biblical languages: “Greek, Hebrew and the Joy of Sex.” [...]
At least you had a desk!
[...] For the connection between Biblical Hebrew and Greek and the joy of sex, see here. [...]
You make me laugh!!
I can only refer to you an early post from the Westminster Confessions blog, particularly the final paragraph which spoke to my heart:
I love languages. I love writing systems. I love that I will have time to learn more. To see how languages work is beautiful. To understand the order (and chaos) is like appreciating a symphony. If Eric Liddell could say “When I run I feel [God’s] pleasure” then I say “When I study languages I am worshiping.” I am embracing the creative process of a God who communicates with us. Sure, I get some grief for wanting to learn Ugaritic. No one thinks it is practical. “What will you use it for?” I think it is a great misfortune when we believe that only that which is pragmatic is worth studying. Sure, I want to learn Greek and Hebrew to better understand the Bible, to read the OT and NT in their original languages and appreciate the fullness of what is being communicated. But I also want to just savor the language for itself. The language itself, not only what it communicates, reveals to me more of the character of God. And that’s worth all the flashcards and study time I can muster.
And although I’ve never actually had an experience in “mystical Bible bliss” while reading the Bible — I have had one while studying Hebrew.
Maybe I’m machoistic, too. I enjoyed reading the book of Ruth in Hebrew. And mind, you, there’s a really hot scene there.
[...] Prayer for the world ← Greek, Hebrew and the Joy of Sex [...]
[...] posts in this series: Greek, Hebrew and the Joy of Sex, Freaks don’t want no Greek, How big is your [...]
I never understood people who didn’t love languages. There’s just so much in it – it’s so fascinating! Perhaps that’s why I’m majoring in Latin and Greek and will teach it soon!
I see language as a tool. A power tool. Power tools enable me to better to do what I want and like to do. If it kills your brain learning how to use a power tool, so be it. You’re better off in the end.
Wide is the road that leads to only one language ability and many seek it. Narrow is the road that leads to many language abilities and few are they who take it, but they shall be truly blessed.
–1st epistle of slaveofone 4:1
[...] 25th, 2007 · No Comments In an early post I promised: Instead, in due course, Grasshopper, I will reveal to you all the secret tricks [...]
[...] to put into words all the ways that language learning enhances my relationship with God. Unlike LIngamish, I loved studying Greek. I think I should go track down my biblical language professors and thank [...]
[...] posts: Greek, Hebrew and the Joy of Sex, Freaks don’t want no Greek, How big is your brain?, Not Pastor and Professor But Mom and [...]
I must also be a masochist, but I am really enjoying learning Greek. I’ve been working with BBG on my own for about a year (took a break in the middle to learn Cocoa…) and now I’m working through participles. It’s a lot of fun, and how I spend my lunch hour every day.
And GGBG is Wallace’s Greek Grammar: Beyond the Basics. I just received my copy from Amazon and will begin it when I finish Mounce.
[...] 1st, 2007 · No Comments About five years ago when I was taking the infamous Greek seminary course, Hilary did a brilliant arrangement of the Greek alphabet to the tune of “Sarasponda.” [...]
I took one term of Greek, and it nearly killed me. I don’t worry about much in life, but that class wrung every ounce of concentration out of my brain…and I still achieved the worst final grades of my life.
You need to learn Greek and Hebrew like I’m learning French, go in the street and use in order to keep from starving or getting thrown out of the country.
The way Greek is taught is more like math or science than a language.
When I took Greek and Hebrew a couple of decades ago, I could learn it by rote and recite. But getting older (and wiser?), and not to mention enjoying a little ADHD, I find my learning style has changed, and it would kill me now.
How about a little imagination when it comes to teaching? That would help, and dump the stupid German pronunciation while you are at it.
[...] the relevant posts by John Hobbins (and everywhere else on his blog), Mark Hoffman, David Ker (also here), and my own previous comments. As I’ve been turning all the arguments over in my head over [...]
[...] I wrote in Greek, Hebrew and the Joy of S-x, I find no joy in slogging through Greek simply because of the dreadful didactic methods that were [...]
[...] This chapter originally appeared on my blog as Greek, Hebrew and the Joy of S-x and Freaks don’t want no Greek. I know that’s cheating but I need a day [...]