Note: Opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily represent my mission, or any of the nice pastors and churches that support us.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

  Audio snippet for academic study purposes, period.

Don’t mess with a missionary man.
Don’t mess with a missionary man.
Well the missionary man
He’s got god on his side.
He’s got the saints and apostles
Backin’ up from behind.

Missionary Man – Eurhythmics

Why are pastors so terrified of missionaries? When I’m visiting a new church, the last thing I’m going to do is tell the pastor that I’m a missionary. Because if I do he suddenly gets this panicked look in his eyes like he’s just been cornered by an Amway salesman. Shoot, I haven’t seen such fear since the days when I used to try to collect money on my newspaper route.

Nope, I won’t tell him. Instead, I smile and try to give him the impression that we’re a new family in the neighborhood looking for a place to pay our tithe and volunteer in the nursery. Then I get some serious smiles.

It really stinks. Because in the places where pastors do let us have a five-minute window to talk about our mission in darkest Africa we are introduced like heroes. But backstage it’s always, “Please keep within your five minutes because we have a really tight schedule.” Being from Africa, I always smile and then completely ignore the warning. After all I’m event-oriented. In Africa, church isn’t even warming up until we’ve been in the building for two hours.

Now of course this doesn’t apply to the really great churches where we’ve been supported faithfully for more than a decade (Please keep it up!). Nor does it apply to the little country church we’re attending at the moment where the pastor said, “Tell me any Sunday you want and it’s yours. And you can have as much time as you want.”

But I feel like some of these pastors out there must really be up against the wall financially. Of course, it is highly likely that there are some missionaries out there that just want your money. Not us. We survive on peanuts in Africa and we like it that way. Our mission comes from the “missionaries work harder on a shoe-string-budget” school of fund-raising. And that’s just as well with me. Thank heavens that I’m not from one of those really big-budget missions (who shall remain nameless). They have to raise twice our budget so they can afford to ship over these huge containers full of American appliances, furniture and double-thick toilet paper. The rest of us on the field have to spend all our time helping these poor schmucks get their containers out of customs. But they throw some good parties once they get their mansions missions set up. And when they burn out after 18 months, they  give away all their comfortable furniture to us.

Don’t mess with a missionary, man.

1. We own a 4×4. And we really need it.
2. We speak twelve impossible languages before breakfast.
3. We eat worms. And like it.
4. We’re poor but we’re self-righteous.
5. No retirement benefits. But a job worth burning out for.
6. We have in fact seen the smoke from a thousand villages.
7. Our kids have more stamps in their passports than you ever will, Bub.
8. The members of our church never whine about the carpet or the donuts.
9. We don’t have to live in the parsonage.
10. We vacation in places you could only dream of visiting.

So, tell me: Why do you think pastors are so afraid of missionaries?