Got a problem? Take a pill.

In the good old days, if you weren’t feeling well you went to the doctor and he might prescribe a pill for what ails you. But nowadays, everywhere I turn somebody is ramming pills down my throat.

About five years ago, we returned to America and were informed by TV, magazines and in-store ads of a terrible ailment called “Gastro Esophageal Reflux Disorder.” For centuries of time, people have been eating and sleeping. But suddenly we found out that if we want to do both we all need to take a purple pill and prop up our beds. Pretty soon I started noticing that I had this problem and so I began taking pills and propping my bed.

The next one was ADHD. Lots of kids had this. They were not calm enough in school. They did not pay attention. So, thanks to the pharmaceutical companies all our kids were soon on Ritalin. (Disclosure: No one in our family uses it). I even found out about Adult ADHD which Readers Digest informed me that I certainly had but was probably self-medicating through strong coffee and blogging.

Then a couple of years ago we came back to the States and discovered that men had all suffered a crippling epidemic of limpness. And women were all wetting their pants. I mean, you can’t watch TV anymore without these lewd commercials about below-the-belt body parts and their malfunctions. There’s this one with water balloons dancing. It goes on and on.

I have decided to go into the business of thinking up ailments for which there is no known medication. Here are a few for starters:

1. Yawnkaskwelch: Prevents you from yawning when you see the word yawn or see somebody yawn.
2. Poopaweek: For people bothered by daily BM, this medication reduces bathroom visits to once a week.
3. Nostragrowmus: This medication is especially for men who have trouble with unsightly hairs growing out of their nostrils and ears.
4. Growlfree: Does your stomach ever make embarrassing grumbling noises during meetings. One pill before a meeting and you can relax.

Don’t even bother trying to steal these ideas. I’ve already had them patented by a pharmaceutical company and they are paying me for my work with free pills.