I tell a joke. You tell a joke. The joke must contain a hippo.
Here is a whimsical hippo with a Bible verse!
Now the first joke:
Q: What jungle animal can put you in a trance?
A: A hypnopotamus.
Your turn.
Any joke that makes me laugh out loud wins a prize (a very valuable and prestigious kind of prize I might add).
You know what for once someone else has done all the work
http://www.deeshippoworld.com/hippojokes.htm
so far I think I rather like
What do you call a hippo who thinks she’s sick?
A hippochondriac.
(actually as I changed the he to a she in that joke in that way I have it should probably be hippochondriaque)
Shoot, I was hoping you wouldn’t find my stash.
Here’s a joke I just made up:
Q: Why does the hippo have a big mouth?
A: Because if she had a long neck she’d be a giraffe.
Henry just made up this one:
What has four legs and doesn’t walk?
A running hippo.
A hippo walks into a bar and says, “Has my Dad been in here?”
The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?
Why are hippos large grey and wrinkled?
Because if they were small white and smooth they would be aspirins.
Hilary’s joke:
What do you call a boy hippo?
A hippopotamister.
What’s cool, Irish, and loves to splash in the river?
A hip O’Potamus.
Sending a hippo by US Mail
You’ll need:
1,000-gallon tank per hippo
1,000 gallons of water
Crane
1-pound sedative
Soothing hippo music
2 Aspirin (for you)
How to pack: 1. Fill your tank with 800 gallons of water. Start yesterday. Remember, a medium-sized hippo takes up at least 200 gallons. (Just out of curiosity, why do you have a hippo, anyway?) 2. Apply sedative. Take two Aspirin. 3. Hold it, hold it – put the hippo in the tank, first. Start with soothing hippo music, followed by a large winch and crane. 4. Now go relax in a hot bath before the forklift arrives. WAIVER: We in no way advocate moving a hippo or any animal without the express advice and consent of your local vet or zoo keeper.
Source: http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/00/Jan/hippos.html
This story takes place on a Native American reservation. One night, it was very, very cold; so cold that people had to bundle together to stay warm.
Coincidentally, nine months later, at the reservation hospital, there were so many women in labor on the same day that every bed in the maternity ward was full. When another woman came in, the staff found a deer skin and stretched it out on top of some pillows to provide for her a comfortable place to deliver. She gave birth to a healthy baby boy.
Another woman came in, so the staff found a buffalo skin and stretched it out on top of some pillows to give her a comfortable place to deliver. She gave birth to healthy twin baby boys.
Finally, yet another woman came in. The staff scrambled around, and found the skin of a hippopotamus (a traveling circus had been passing through the area earlier that year and their hippo had died…). They stretched it out on top of some pillows to give her a comfortable place to deliver. She gave birth to triplets – three healthy baby boys.
The story is just another validation of a well-known truism:
“The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.”
Source: http://www.vickysjokes.com/stupid-jokes.html
A hippo enters a bar, orders a double whisky, gulps it down, pays, turns and leaves. The stunned bartender finds his voice as the hippo just reaches the door, and he exclaims, “Wow! A hippo in my bar! That’s never happened before!” The hippo turns round and replies, “And with those prices, it’ll never happen again, either.”
so david, a lawyer, and a hippo walk into a bar. the bartender looks up and says, ‘whay is this some kind of joke?’
Scott, I’m expecting more effort from you. B-
What’s the difference between a hippo and a mouse?
About 5000 pounds.
Why are there no hippos in Antarctica?
Because the polar bears ate them all.
But I thought there were no polar bears in Antarctica!
Yeah, they were wiped out by polar-bear eating penguins.
A hippo arrives at the Pearly Gates and says, “Whoops, I’m in the wrong joke.”
Dr. Livingstone falls out of his canoe and is chewed to death by an angry hippo. He was the first [enter pun here]
ok, ok–
i laughed out loud at the pearly gates one.
he was the first: ford explorer to be eaten by a hippo.
what about the poor hippo who kept swimming in circles after they kicked him off the hippo campus?
(beware: this is only for the fans of the zany “flight of the conchords” — otherwise, you tell us what they mean)
“Here’s the Hiphopopotamus
The hip hop hippo”
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/bb61b0522c/flight-of-the-conchords-hiphopopotamus-vs-rhymenoceros-from-flight-of-the-conchords
Dr Livingstone was the first hippo-got-a-missionary.
So these two Hippo’s walk into a bar. And the one Hippo turns to the other one and says, “Weaaauuuughh! Pshnussh.”
(Sorry, that’s the best phonetic hippo I can type.)
I didn’t get it at first because I don’t know the Lake Victoria dialect. In the Zambezi River dialect your joke is even funnier with an unexpected pun on the words for “drink” and “blonde.”
actually, weaaauuuughh! pshnussh. doesn’t mean anything. it’s what woohah! peanuts! comes out like with a mouth full of livingston.
how do hippos make love?
are hippos egal or comps?
I was going to give you the special prize but now I’m banning you for life for using taboo language.
Aristotle already answered the question about How hippos make love. (Of course, hippos – i.e., horses – and hippopotomuses – i.e., the river horses of Egypt, he observes absolutely objectively, do it very differently albeit with invariable, species-independent male hierarchy. Aristotle’s males always want the females to be concerned with how skinny they look to them in dresses. The females, of course, always have fewer teeth too. Pure math, science, and logic.
“The Egyptian hippopotamus has a mane like a horse, is cloven-hoofed like an ox, and is snub-nosed. It has a huckle-bone like the cloven-footed animals, tusks which just show through, the tail of a pig, the neigh of a horse, and the size of an ass. Its hide is so thick that spears are made from it. Its internal organs resemble those of the horse and the ass. The tooth-shy female wears a slim-fitting dress for her male.” [Historia Animalia, 502a10].)
did god put the first female hippo into a deep sleep and remove several of her teeth and fashion the first male hippo from them?
has anyone in england or africa ever named their pub the ‘hippo’s tooth?’
hippo and hippa? hippos (hippi?) speak, hippas (hippae) listen? i’m trying to imagine hippa barefoot and pregnant. suddenly, i, too, feel i’m in the wrong joke.
and how could it be that that guy doing hippo in amslang has even less hair than i do? does this dress make me look hippy?
[...] I have selected Scott Gray as the winner of this year’s annual Lingapotamus Hippo Joke Laughathon. [...]
I laughed but Hilary didn’t so you might only get half a prize.
In your honor, I’m trying to think of a feminist hippo joke…
What do you call a feminist hippo. A sheepo.
Did you laugh?
That is funny.
I had to read that one three times…you’re back in your stride.
Actually, the hippo spit him out since hippos don’t like Scotch.
I’ll never translate a joke again from my native tongue into English lest I confirm the Anglophone stereotype that “Germans don’t have a (hippo-)sense of humour”.
Yes but I am SO slow it took me a while!
still tittering now though becuase this is splendidly silly!
Q: What did the hippopotamissus say to the hippopotamister?
A: Does this dress make me look skinny?
A1: Very carefully
A2: They don’t. They make hippies.
A3: It begins with dancing under the moonlight and ends with a tumble in the river grass. (oops, that’s slightly risque)
A4: Wouldn’t you like to know!
A5: You can watch it on Animal Planet.
A6: Why do you want to know?
A7: I’m stopping now because this is a family-friendly blog.
Thank you for the clean version.
Now give me a joke.
Here’s one:
Q: What do you get when you cross a hippopotamus with a blogger?
A: Lingamashed
If it’s funny, it’s not a joke? Alas: what if I tell you a joke and it’s not funny?
“Two students were sitting in the playground. One goes, ‘Hippopotamus is a Long Word. How Do You Spell it with Two Letters?’ The other one goes, ‘I donno know; how?’ The first goes: ‘I T’.”
scott,
so is there “masculine” and “feminine” for Hippo in ASL? Is that why this guy shows his teeth only in the first variant of the word: http://www.lifeprint.com/asl101/pages-signs/h/hippopotamus.htm ? Must even the hearing-challenged female hippos keep their mouths shut in church?
“Hippopotama”, rhyming with “she hadn’t got a ma”, according to Flanders and Swan.