Editor’s note: 148 is possibly the worst joke of all time. I list it here strictly for historical purposes.
A guy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. “What do you call that?”, asks the bartender. “I call him Tiny, because he’s my newt!”
A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar.
A man walks into a bar. [Bonk!]
Two men walk into a bar. [Bonk! Bonk!]
A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: “I’m lookin’ fer the man that shot my paw.”
An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, “Do I come here often?”
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, “You can come in, but don’t start anything!”
A piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind.” The rope goes outside, ties himself in a knot and frays one end of himself. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says, “Weren’t you just in here?” The rope replies, “No, I’m a frayed knot.”
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, “Have you seen my brother?” The bartender asks, “I don’t know, what does he look like?”
A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bartender here?”
151. A man walks into a bar and orders 99 beer. “Why not 100?”, asks the bartender. “Well,” comes the reply, “who should drink all that?”
152. A feeble looking man walks into a bar which boasts the strongest bartender in town, promising $1,000 to any customer who can beat him. The small man asks to compete whereupon the bear of a bartender takes a lemon into his humongous hand and squeezes it until no drop is left, saying, “If you can squeeze one more drop out of it, you win.” The man takes the lemon and seemingly without effort squeezes several more drops from it. As he lets go of the lemon, it disintegrates to dust. “Wow,” says the bartender, handing over the $1,000, “are you a wrestler or something?” – “No,” comes the reply, “I’m working for inland revenue.”
153. A man walks into a bar, orders a beer and sits down with the other guys. The conversation moves from politics to football and finally to marriage, in the course of which he’s asked where his wife is. He replies, “She’s parking the car …”
154. A man walks into a bar to find 22 tiny men sitting at the tables. He asks, “What’s happened? Is your table football broken?”
155. A man walks into a bar, orders a beer and sits down with the other guys. In the course of the conversation, he asks the others, “Do you also suffer from leather allergy?” – “Leather allergy?!?” the others respond. “Yea,” says the man, “whenever I come home from here and wake up next morning with my leather shoes on, I have a splitting headache.”
156. A man walks into a bar and orders 18 beer. “Wow,” says the bartender, “you’re awaiting your football team, or what?” – “No,” the man replies, “but doesn’t your sign at the door say ‘No alcohol under 18′?”
157. A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. “How much?”, he asks. “Two pounds sixty,” the bartender replies. The man takes 26 10p-pieces and throws them behind the counter. The bartender grumbles but picks them up. Next day, the same man walks into the same bar and orders a beer. When he puts a five-pound-note on the counter for payment, the bartender thinks, “Now I get you back”, takes 24 10p-pieces and throws them back; they scatter throughout the bar-room. Whereupon the man takes two 10p-pieces out of his pocket, puts them on the counter and says, “Another one, please.”
Now you know why others think that Germans don’t have a sense of humour. All of these have been translated from German. In German, they’re actually terribly funny
158. A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot, wearing a tuxedo and top hat whistling Le Marseillaise, perched on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Wow, that’s amazing. Where did you get that?”
And the parrot says, “In France, they’ve got millions of guys like him there.”
160. A man walks into a bar. Before the bartender can even ask what to serve, the man starts puking all over the place. “Whoa! Stop that!” the bartender shouts, “What’s the matter with you?” – “I’m sick of being the only commenter currently posting jokes on lingamish,” comes the reply …
And elderly woman walks into a bar to use the ATM machine. However, a young man is leaning against it blocking her way. “Excuse me young man, but I need to check my balance.” So he pushed her over.
Since 1999, David and Hilary have worked in Mozambique on the Nyungwe Bible Translation. Starting in 2008, David took on a new role as Media Access Coordinator for the work in Mozambique. Visit The Afrikers for more info.
Lingamish is the blog of David Ker, a media access specialist and member of Wycliffe Bible Translators working in Africa with SIL Mozambique. Opinions expressed on this blog are my own and do not represent the organizations with which I work.
I wanted to write “Woohoo, they’re back!” but, having read through them, I’m afraid they’re too terrible to get excited. Good night.
Really I can tell you don’t drink in bars
How much time are you spending in bars to hear all these jokes?
151. A man walks into a bar and orders 99 beer. “Why not 100?”, asks the bartender. “Well,” comes the reply, “who should drink all that?”
152. A feeble looking man walks into a bar which boasts the strongest bartender in town, promising $1,000 to any customer who can beat him. The small man asks to compete whereupon the bear of a bartender takes a lemon into his humongous hand and squeezes it until no drop is left, saying, “If you can squeeze one more drop out of it, you win.” The man takes the lemon and seemingly without effort squeezes several more drops from it. As he lets go of the lemon, it disintegrates to dust. “Wow,” says the bartender, handing over the $1,000, “are you a wrestler or something?” – “No,” comes the reply, “I’m working for inland revenue.”
153. A man walks into a bar, orders a beer and sits down with the other guys. The conversation moves from politics to football and finally to marriage, in the course of which he’s asked where his wife is. He replies, “She’s parking the car …”
154. A man walks into a bar to find 22 tiny men sitting at the tables. He asks, “What’s happened? Is your table football broken?”
155. A man walks into a bar, orders a beer and sits down with the other guys. In the course of the conversation, he asks the others, “Do you also suffer from leather allergy?” – “Leather allergy?!?” the others respond. “Yea,” says the man, “whenever I come home from here and wake up next morning with my leather shoes on, I have a splitting headache.”
Your submissions take the phrase “terrible jokes” to a whole new level.
You asked for it
156. A man walks into a bar and orders 18 beer. “Wow,” says the bartender, “you’re awaiting your football team, or what?” – “No,” the man replies, “but doesn’t your sign at the door say ‘No alcohol under 18′?”
157. A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. “How much?”, he asks. “Two pounds sixty,” the bartender replies. The man takes 26 10p-pieces and throws them behind the counter. The bartender grumbles but picks them up. Next day, the same man walks into the same bar and orders a beer. When he puts a five-pound-note on the counter for payment, the bartender thinks, “Now I get you back”, takes 24 10p-pieces and throws them back; they scatter throughout the bar-room. Whereupon the man takes two 10p-pieces out of his pocket, puts them on the counter and says, “Another one, please.”
Now you know why others think that Germans don’t have a sense of humour. All of these have been translated from German. In German, they’re actually terribly funny
Well at least both our cultures agree that it’s always funny to make fun of the French.
158. A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot, wearing a tuxedo and top hat whistling Le Marseillaise, perched on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Wow, that’s amazing. Where did you get that?”
And the parrot says, “In France, they’ve got millions of guys like him there.”
159. A joke walks into a bar. The bartender didn’t get it.
Must be funny in German…
160. A man walks into a bar. Before the bartender can even ask what to serve, the man starts puking all over the place. “Whoa! Stop that!” the bartender shouts, “What’s the matter with you?” – “I’m sick of being the only commenter currently posting jokes on lingamish,” comes the reply …
I need to take a break anyway, so don’t expect me here again any time soon … Bye for a while!
I know you. If I post another you won’t be able to resist.
And elderly woman walks into a bar to use the ATM machine. However, a young man is leaning against it blocking her way. “Excuse me young man, but I need to check my balance.” So he pushed her over.